*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
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normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Is your wife single?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Sorry I made promises on Friday
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.