@caroljimenezz: i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal
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@imskytrash: cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you me: yeah he was not nice
@secondofhername: Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
@Mr_Kapowski: My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
@mstern68: Please don't be curly Please don't be curly Please don't be curly I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food