I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
The old gods are rising again.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW