I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?