“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Got ya covered
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.