I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
huge if true: the moon
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist