I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”