Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Rich people don’t understand cereal
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped