I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later