@idiosity: I wish I was poplar. No, that's not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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@DannyZuker: "WAIT!" I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added "TUBE" so yeah, God exists.
@JMFnSparks: The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@Thynebear: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists. [interviewer thinking] holy smokes he's good