@shutupmikeginn: I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@abbycohenwl: My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
@BoozieEyedJoe: My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
@prufrockluvsong: [returning toothpaste] Yeahhh, this didn't hold my husband's teeth together at all.
@SaraESpivey: When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.