I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
You Might Also Like
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.