@llvvzz: I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.
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@pleatedjeans: [angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long] Yo whatcha doin bro? [looks him dead in the eye] practicing for you
@onion_an: Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
@TheMichaelRock: I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
@themcgillicutty: Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store? That's how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.