@llvvzz: I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [at oceanside seafood restaurant] Me: Is the fish fresh here? Waiter: Yes *from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
@Reverend_Scott: Fun Fact: Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
@NikiWithIssues: I don't see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
@Naked_Superman: It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.