@llvvzz: I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.
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@thestlouisan: [Texting] WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6? ME: He's too young for coffee W: Coffee's for me M: Where's the comma? W: M: Hello?
@TheMichaelRock: You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I'm like that, but with salad.
@AndyAsAdjective: [kidnapped & trapped in trunk] *hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code* "I…am…a…vegan"
@SadPeruna: Get a TATTOO they said! A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said! Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!