@Malocallidus: I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.
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@MelvinofYork: I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
@iAmJuddy: Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister: Have you ever seen a dead body? *casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
@aka_fatman: *puts seashell up to ear* Me: I think I can hear the ocea- Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days. Me: (to friend) It's for you.
@ActualPerson084: FREE IPAD FOR ANSWERING A SIMPLE SURVEY. 1) WHERE DO YOU LIVE? 2) DO YOU OWN WEAPONS? 3) WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE? #NIGHTOFTHEFREEIPAD