“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.