6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
The point of your 20s
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Lmao
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.