I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
screw you
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?