I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
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A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage