I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right