Thinking about Jeff
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.