I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy