I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
the last thing a carrot sees
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.