I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn鈥檛 have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I鈥檓 carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don鈥檛 please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
ok like just. call me at this point
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?