Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
This chloroform smells expensiv…
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I missed you with all my darts
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!