@SaraMansford: I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I've got a list of people I'd like to drop an anvil on.
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@jared_ish: I am not "aware" of any "laws" that "forbid" the use of excessive "air quotes" officer "Barnes."
@Home_Halfway: INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*
@CulturedRuffian: Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf? Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
@venkaiceprinces: Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles