Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
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Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer