@RorynotRoy: I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.
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@naughtywriter2: I have a friend whose thighs don't touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
@djr_102: Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone's status turns to "It's complicated" by posting "thanks for last night" underneath it.
@goodtimenoel: Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can't be leaving DNA all over the place.