I’m dying louder than usual today.
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Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
This pepper has seen some shit
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs