@JohnLyonTweets: I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
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@SuperJuanderer: The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.
@Writethatdown12: I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
@Tmoney68: Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
@Bownuggets: I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand