@JohnLyonTweets: I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
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@bathflyer: A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I've been smiling all day.
@Parentpains: Sorry I can't attend your Facebook event, I'll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.
@adamrensch: *accidentally walks into women's restroom* *plays it cool* *sits down* *finds comfort here* *changes name to Janice* *is alive* *is free*
@patnspankme: I haven't been this confused about what's going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.