@JohnLyonTweets: I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
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@WildeThingy: [revenge plan] *invent miniaturisation machine. *shrink to tiny size. *crawl all over sleeping spider's face.
@sixthformpoet: A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
@kunalkamra88: I never understand why do people whisper at funeral's ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can't hear you.