I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
You Might Also Like
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
courtroom exchange of the day
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.