I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Everything reminds me of my ex
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
every college guy’s fridge
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way