I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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lmao
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will