@UNTRESOR: I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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@SteveSuckington: "How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
@SeinfeldToday: George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both."
@LostFelicia: Don't ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that's gained 20 pounds. My husband knows this now.
@Fred_Delicious: "daddy, the sun has disappeared!!" [Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway] "listen here you little shit"