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@MensHumor: I wish this was real life...
@Ivsy01: Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
@CourtneyBale: Friend: How's the wine?
Me: It's exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
@TheToddWilliams: Boss: It's been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
J: What then?
B: You're to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
@Khanoisseur: Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
2. Twitter DM
5. Climb through my window
@VerifiedJayy: Maybe the Mayans were talking about hockey