[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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Waiting for the Charmin
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Something Saturday.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns