I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
WHO DID THIS?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.