I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Worst Native American name ever.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!