@WildeThingy: I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they're in.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: *from inside the closet* “Should I wear my mink coat?” Me: *adjusting cuff links and cummerbund in the mirror* “Jesus Christ, honey. We’re going to Target, not Walmart. Of course wear the mink”
@roostermustache: Him: my gf left me Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea Him: yeah but- Me: also a squirrel Him: ...what Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
@sageboggs: How to Be Good At Twitter 1. don't be 2. don't have that be your goal 3. aim higher 4. seriously, go outside or something