@realHamOnWry: I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said 'You're a mouth breather, and I'll never respect you'
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@doktorj: A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night. *twists ankle by the copier
@Mr_Kapowski: You know you're good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did
@mymizztake: 15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman: 1. The Bachelorette 2. The American presidential race Samsies.
@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.