@realHamOnWry: I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said 'You're a mouth breather, and I'll never respect you'
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@AndyAsAdjective: [at checkout counter] Would ya like to donate $1 to- -No But you didn't let me finish -Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth? No -Then no
@dlsims01: Life is like a cup of coffee... No matter how much sugar you put in it, there's always grounds at the end.
@GrowlyGrego: My little old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
@Pundamentalism: The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.