($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
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In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?