haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
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I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Every. Damn. Time.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.