“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
OMG 🤣🤣
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
one of
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Who called it baking and not making love