I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
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That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
put ‘er there pardner!
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Pringles
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR