I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Am I having a stroke?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.