Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.