cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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Always a housemaid, never a house.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.