I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
#Caturday
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Monday
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
🙅🏻