I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I am having an out of money experience.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.