@hasht4g: I wonder how long it will be before "You look like a million bucks" is an insult. #inflation
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@Midlifecrisis18: My son didn't call while I was on the road today so I'll just be here in my hotel room playing 'Cat's in the Cradle' on repeat.
@heatherlou_: Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I'm in the bathtub.
@Donnie_Fairburn: [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on
@Diversion50: [solicitor reading my will] "He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard".