I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
describing stardew valley
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”