I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.