my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Never ghost your hitman.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth