I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!