This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I think this should do it.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.