A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
You Might Also Like
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Every work meeting this week
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)