Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies