The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.