welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Important reminders
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything