I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds